The Unsinkable Volkmar Friedmann

Today was an amazing day. I learned how to play “I’ll Tumble 4 Ya” on the ukulele. It sounds awesome when I crank it through my two 4x10 Marshall Cabinets and Mesa Boogie 800 watt head. It reminds me of all those cool covers that pop-punk bands do. You know, when they get kicked in the balls to sing the lyrics and then play the same chords but louder and with more distortion. Kind of like taking filet minion and throwing it through a food processor and calling it better than the original. You know, as much as people hate GNR, when they did cover Bob “I touch little kids” Dylan’s magnum opus, “Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door” they at least had the courtesy to add a couple solos, a telephone call, black ladies singing in the background, and a reggae part when done live. Oh yeah, and the distortion and really louder loudness. It’s my belief that if you are gonna do a cover, either do it exactly the same or do it better (unless of course you are learning it to sing to a girl so you can touch her vagina). I’m sick of the pussified versions of my favorite songs. Well, they may not be my favorite songs because I am a pretentious asshat, but I can recognize that they were good, solid songs. I mean, “Sweet Child of Mine” was a pretty pussyish song to begin with, though it is solid musically. But here comes Lance “Scarred Ballsack” Armstrong’s skeletor looking wife to make it more of a pussy-ass song. Hey, any song is good in my eyes if you get some ass from it, and Axl got hitched to Erin Everly because of it. So that’s cool, SCoM was a song written to fuck a girl. Nice. Now Rawhide McCheekbones comes along and makes the song about a little boy from an Adam Sandler vehicle.

Hold on, let’s stop for a second. A decent song is butchered and emasculated for an Adam Sandler vehicle. Well, I can think of another righteous song that was killed for an Adam Sandler crapathon. Yeah, “Don’t Stop Believing” by Bolivian Band, Journey (Pronounced Yourrrrrkneeee, yeah roll that “R” bitch). But this time, the butchering is even more self-promoting for Adam than SCoM. Alright, so you think Journey sucks. Well, that’s only because Steve Perry was assembled by Station 1 and Station 2, exclusively from Sears vacuum cleaners so he could teach the Wyld  Stallyns how to sing and thus defeat El Sobrante, California natives, Primus, at their High School’s Battle of the Bands and save the world. And besides, DSB is all about a hooker. Very cool in my book. Oh, I should specify it was a female hooker. That’s fucking ROCK at its finest. But no, Adam has to make the song about a crappy character, Mr. Deeds, that was ripped off a better movie that still sucked. And guess who plays Deeds, yup crapburger helper himself, Adam Sandler.

Here’s an interesting fact I stumbled upon a while ago. Did you know that Jews were not allowed to listen to Journey during Hitler’s reign? It’s true. Hitler knew the power of Journey’s tight spandexed lyrics. Because of the Stations’ close attention to detail, Steve Perry could rock harder than an autistic kid surrounded by mirrors. But like Tinkerbelle, Steve Perry and Journey can only live if the people around them believe in them. Man, if Hitler had let Journey alone, Berlin would have been stomping their feet and singing to a karaoke version of “Separate Ways” instead of listening to Adolf go on and on about whatever. And Steve Perry would have swooped down on the back of the Millennium Falcon, holding his feathers tight the whole way. Hitler would have gotten a nice talking to and sent home to get it from his father. But no, Steve Perry was powerless for Hitler had banned all of Journey. The lack of radical tunes led Germany to believe there was no hope and Steve Perry was a lie perpetrated by the Jews. Isolated in his Fortress of Rockitude, Steve Perry cried the tears of a thousand ancestors, realizing he was helpless.

But let’s not give Hitler too much credit for his foresight. He forgot about 2 Live Crew and in 1945, they did indeed drop the bomb. Brother Marquis remarked of Hitler’s faux pas, “Some say they don't know of us but that is a lie/Suckas try to play they games of Dis-and-Die.” With the bomb dropped, 2 Live Crew forced the SS Troops to step off the pedestal and give them the mic. The stage was set for Steve Perry. Fresh Kid Ice informed Germany that he could rock the people like they would like. The people were moved by masses and Steve Perry left his fortress to rock out Berlin and with the Germans’ help he was able to topple the evil Third Reich.

Unfortunately for Hitler, one of the victims of 2 Live Crew’s bomb dropping was Volkmar, Hitler’s illegitimate pet ferret. You see, his death was one of the most important events in German war history, right up there with Von Kluck’s turn. Volkmar was constantly seen in Hitler’s company but was not acknowledged by Hitler for fear that Rick Astley would use his power of telepathy and crush Volkmar’s peanut-sized brain. Why would this be a devastating blow to Hitler? Because Volkmar powered all of the Reichstag through his running wheel. Without lights running, no work could be accomplished and the Third Reich would fall behind drastically in the arms race. Volkmar was also a savage mind. It was his idea for Hitler to ban 2 Live Crew from Germany, but Hitler thought he was merely tripping on acid and did not heed the advice of the ferret. As well, Hitler had originally planned on using the concentration camps as holiday resorts and allow every German citizen three weeks use of the resorts. Volkmar was able to send messages through other channels and convince Hitler otherwise. Hitler was made to believe that the Jews had been infected with a deadly and incurable disease by NASCAR pit crew chief, Fatback McSwain. The disease, Volkmar convinced Hitler’saides to tell him, would cause the Jews’ bodies to literally eat themselves from the inside out. The disease was transferable to others and Hitler decided to use the concentration camps as quarantine areas. All his medical advisors explained that anyone without the disease could sustain themselves on bread and water alone. The whole time, Hitler believed that the Jews in the camps were withering out and dying from the disease rather than malnutrition and torture. And burning the corpses was merely a logical thing to do for preventing further spread of the disease.

Or maybe Hitler was a crazy ass megalomaniac and history’s biggest douche bag. It’s hard to tell. All I know is that we better be thankful we could rely on Steve Perry to come through in the clutch. Fucking REO Speedwagon would have been too busy wanking themselves into oblivion, the bastards. Hey at least we got Britny Fox’s amazing song, “Long Way to Love” because of the holocaust.